Sponge Bob saves the day.

(and my sanity - once again)! I should know better by now, it is my own silly fault. I had to run into the supermarket for a couple of things - an hour and a half later we made it back to the car alive (just).

I don't know what it is about shopping with Jasper but I do know it is a nightmare - whether it is running into the shop for one item or doing a full on grocery shop. There are so many triggers for a meltdown. It starts when we get to the entrance of the supermarket and the automatic sliding doors - Jasper has to be the one to make them open. If they are open when he gets there he does not like it one little bit, and we are not allowed to enter the shop until the doors have closed completely (and 'he' has to be the one to set them off to open). With a constant stream of people going through the doors it is amazing we ever make it inside at all.

Next is the trolley saga - he likes to choose the exact one (which is more often than not, right in the middle of the stack, and therefore impossible to get at). He insists on walking and will not sit in the trolley, and instead spends the entire time insisting that I carry him. I repeat clearly and calmly - 'Jasper can walk or sit in the trolley, Jasper choose'......nup........'carry me'.........'Jasper can walk or sit in the trolley, Jasper choose'......nup.....'carry me' (and on and on it goes)!! For some reason when we are in the supermarket it is impossible to be able to get his attention (normally I would try to get his eye contact and tell him very briefly to 'stop, sit in trolley' and hold the eye contact, repeating the request until he obliged). Not in the supermarket - there is no way I can seem to make him listen, let alone comprehend.

Saga number three is getting into the supermarket through the little electronic gate thing because once again he has to be the one to make it open first (oh, and we HAVE to enter through the left gate, as well as the left door at the front - we once went out the right door and had to enter the supermarket again, through the left door so we could exit through the 'correct' door and avert a major meltdown).

As I attempt to push the trolley, Jasper insists on holding on to it and pulling it back towards us. By this stage I am normally ready to spontaneously combust through sheer frustration and rage. Unwelcome glares from ignorant people do not help any. I continue our trip through the supermarket slowly, speaking calmly, repeating over and over what we need to be doing. There are certain items of interest to Jasper we need to avoid walking past at all costs (chocolate soy milk for example) unless we plan to buy every last one from off the shelf. The dairy and frozen food aisle also set him off because it is cold ('I want a blanket mum' over and over).

Next saga is the checkout - give me strength - today was particularly a case in point. We normally do the self serve check out, and as fast as I am putting things into the bag, Jasper is taking them out, which sets off the silly checkout and necessitates a staff member coming over to reset the checkout. All this with Jasper harping and whining in my ear. At this point I usually give him some coins to put in the dog (which allows me a brief reprieve to gather together our things and be on our way). The only down-side to this little habit is that Jasper is unable to pass any sort of donation tin or coin slot without wanting to put money in it.

Then it is time once more to negotiate our exit through the automatic doors - I was just about in tears today as every time the doors just about closed someone would set them off to open again. In the end I managed to get out but Jasper refused to follow until he could open the doors from closed, himself. Hence the reason it took us 90 minutes to grab a handful of items.

As we set off in the car on the way home I was screaming silently, in my head, every known swear word such was the frustration and anger I felt. It takes so much mental energy to remain calm and to repeat things over and over to Jasper (also to listen to his constant chatter and answer him to his satisfaction) and sometimes I wonder how much of this frustration and anger you can silently take on before you explode.

Once I have exhausted myself with my silent, unheard screams I start to breathe deeply and slowly in an attempt to relax. All is good, it is over, we are in the car on the way home with a Sponge Bob dvd (Jaspers latest obsession) for him to watch and (hopefully) allow me a little bit of peace and quiet. My feelings at this point vary between being very angry at the situation, at Autism, at the fact I can not simply run into a supermarket without so much drama.......then my anger is directed at the people around me, family, friends, even strangers, who go about their lives with seemingly no comprehension of what I go through. I resent their perfect lives and I resent the lack of support and understanding, especially from family - I don't think anyone fully realises what I go through every day. I resent the fact there is no getting away from this, it is with me all the time - sometimes I wish it would just go away, even if only for a day.

Then the anger seems to turn into defiance - I will not let this beat me, I will not let it win, it will not break me. I will tackle it head on and I know that I can.........and will. I will devour every last piece of information and knowledge on autism to equip me with the answers I need to steer my way through this nightmare intact. It makes me feel strong, if this hasn't broken me yet then nothing ever will. There is nothing I fear anymore because I am living through what is surely among the cruelest of jokes life could throw at anyone.

After all this internal raging, I once again feel triumphant. I know what I have to do, I have seen results from strategies I have implemented - it empowers me to go on.