You okay banana?

Here is a funny snippet from our trip to the supermarket yesterday!

I had an armful of things, Zac was ahead of me with a couple of things and Jasper was following a few paces behind me holding 2 bananas. Then I heard him talking to the bananas.........'you okay bananas, you okay' 'that's good bananas' 'I'm okay bananas'.

Zac turned around and stated in a confused tone "Jasper is talking to the bananas".

Yep, only in our crazy world!!! Kind of cute though!

Feral Friday.

At the risk of sounding negative, today was our usual 'Feral Friday'. After 2 long days of creche (for Jasper) and 2 long days at work (for me), Fridays are generally not a great day. We are both tired and cranky and out of sorts.

I have noticed over the past week how great Jaspers behaviour is in response to more structure and set routines but unfortunately it all unravels on a Friday. It all started last night when we did not stick to our newly implemented night time routine of 'dinner, bath, stories and bed' and just went downhill from there!

Add to the mix that Jordy needed to take a 'mental health day' (sickie) and Zac phoned at some ungodly hour telling me he wanted to move back home (he has been away for the past month - a whole other story)!! So it has been a really busy day (and hot - blah).

One thing I am finding is that it is infinitely easier to find the energy to stick to these routines than it is to deal with the behaviour without routines. This may very well be my first 'light bulb' moment!

Today was just crazy, but there was absolutely no structure to our day and it threw Jasper out in every possible way - one thing I really noticed was his demanding behaviour all day for food (that he doesn't eat), he was hyper active, loud and just completely silly - in the end he was just beside himself and teary. So tomorrow - routine, routine, routine!!!!

For Andrea! Something positive!

This post is especially for Andrea - our wonderful Early Intervention/Play Therapist person! Just so she knows I haven't completely lost the plot and drowned in doom and gloom!

It is subtitled "10 wonderful and beautiful things about Jasper".

1. Jasper gives the absolute best cuddles in the whole entire world. We love to lie with Jasper when he wakes early, in our bed, and enjoy some really lovely cuddles and kisses before we start our hectic day. Just this very morning I lay in bed with Jasper having a really lovely cuddle. I said "I love you Jasper"...then I said "I love you mum"......to which Jasper replied "I love you Mummy"!!! We lay quietly in bed listening to the birds singing and Jasper said "What's that noise" then answered "Magpies I think". I really, really love this kind of start to the day!!

2. I really love Jaspers crazy toes, all bunched together with his second toe sticking up above the others! So feral yet so cute!! I often massage his toes telling him "I love Jaspers toes". Jasper hates anything touching his feet and keeps his toes so tightly bunched up together. I could spend all day kissing his gorgeous (yet feral) feet!!

3. I love it when I get to creche to pick Jasper up after a long and busy day, and he is always so excited to see me, and so happy! I just know he has had a fantastic time - and lately he is settling so beautifully at creche. He runs in to get his bag while I sign the book and he comes out of the bathroom saying "kids all gone" (being that we are usually amongst the last to leave)! His carers, especially Toby Lea, are so wonderful with him....and I am so thankful for that. They always have something really positive to say about his day!

4. Tonight Jasper and I lay watching the football on tv. He loves watching any sort of sport on tv. I tried to familiarise him with the wonderfully gorgeous "Richo"....everytime he got the ball I grabbed Jaspers arm to shake in the air and shout "Richooooo....woo woo woo"!!! He thought this was so funny!!! When he is outside kicking a ball around he often shouts out "Go Richo'!!! That's my boy!!!

5. Jasper just adores his three big brothers (pictured with him above) - he asks after them constantly - and they absolutely adore him too! I LOVE watching my boys all interacting together! Jordy is the worlds greatest big brother, he does so much for Jasper and Jasper absolutely adores him. I think Jasper annoys Jordy the most but I also think that Jordy understands Jasper the best (Jordy has Asperger Syndrome). I really think they would be lost without each other. Jasper LOVES his Brayden and constantly talks about him. He loves taking train trips to visit Brayden in Melbourne and we especially love having Brayden come home to visit us - when Jasper wakes up in the morning and realises Brayden is here he runs to hop in bed with him and give him his special cuddles! He is fascinated by Braydens 'pictures' (tattoos) and piercings. Jasper also loves his 'Zaci' so much and loves it when we pick him up from work so that he gets to give him a cuddle as well (and always says "I love you Zaci"). Zac and Jasper have developed their very own, personal, sort of 'greeting'!!! Almost like a secret handshake - but more like a secret cuddle!!!

6. Right from the moment Jasper came into our lives, I have loved the way that he is like the common link that joins us all together to make us a family - I really believe my boys see him that way as well. He is a very special, much loved and much wanted little boy and he is the common link in our family - our anchor.

7. I love the way Jasper loves licorice, just like I do! I have always loved licorice but even more so when I realised no one else in the family liked it (which meant I never had to share it)! Until Jasper came along that is!! He begs me for licorice every time we drive past our local shop! And if I dare to even take the tiniest bite off the end of his licorice strap - well, I am in big trouble!!!

8. Jasper looks so much like his father (appearance wise) that I so obviously did not get a look in! But Garth always says that Jasper might be him on the outside but is certainly me on the inside!!! I can see that and I do like it! He has a fiesty, bossy streak that I recognise in myself - moreso than in any of my other children - and I really love to see that in him!

9. Jasper is such a lovely, friendly, little kid. When we go through the Mc Donalds drive through he waves at the lady at each window (and gets quite offended if they don't wave back). At times he has such a lovely nature, so friendly and open. As a little baby he was quite shy and reserved around other people. I have really enjoyed seeing him open up and relax more around strangers. He has some really lovely social skills (for which I am so grateful).

10. I love to watch Jasper sleep - he is so beautiful. I love the way he sleeps on his tummy, as he has always done, and scrunches his body up so his cute little backside is sticking up in the air! I love the way he giggles and laughs in his sleep. I love watching him smile as he sleeps and wonder at what lovely thoughts he is having! I love the way that the very first thing he calls out in the morning, when he wakes, is 'mummy'! I feel priveliged and loved.

We all love this little boy so much, he has brought so much joy and love to our lives. How on earth could we even imagine life without him. God has sent him to us because he knows we are the best people to love, teach and care for this little treasure of a person.

Green Shoes.

I recently bought Jasper some new shoes - I could not find the slip-on Dunlop volleys he usually wears (easy and comfortable - Jasper is very funny about what goes on his feet) and the closest thing to it was a pair of Dunlop lace-ups (in gaudy fluoro green).

I had a quick look in Pumpkin Patch and found two other pairs more similar to the slip on style so grabbed them as well. I guess I should've known better than to buy three different pairs of shoes because it was inevitable he would form an obsessive attachment with one pair and steadfastly refuse to wear the others - which is exactly what happened!

Jasper absolutely ADORES his 'green shoes' (or running shoes as he also calls them). I tried hiding them in an attempt to get him to wear one of the other pairs - big mistake!! So green shoes it is! All the time, no matter what outfit he is wearing! Once he has his green shoes on he just runs!! We call him Forrest (as in Forrest Gump) as he runs back and forth saying 'watch me, watch me'.

So now I am thinking, to avert future drama, I probably need to buy another pair of green shoes in the next size up. Who knows how long this obsession will last!

My World.

"Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Nothings gonna change my world
Nothings gonna change my world"

(Across The Universe - The Beatles)


At the moment it is like this - exist and sleep. You could also throw work in there as well, which even though it takes a mammoth effort to organise myself for two days, is a welcome reprieve (the highlight of my working days being my lunch hour - one whole hour x 2 to myself, what joy).

On a positive note, Jasper is getting so much better about being left at creche - he didn't even cry when I left on Thursday (for the first time in ages). I'm certain it is the pictures that have made the difference and we have set up a bit of a routine where we stop on the way to buy him his 'special milk' (a chocolate up and go).

I was lying in bed last night - my usual 'worry hour' between 3am and 4am - where I torment myself with too much thinking. It occured to me that 'this is actually how my life is going to be from now on, it is never going to change, this is my world'. I think about Jasper and his behaviour - what could I have done differently, how could I change things to make life easier. It is very easy to lie there in the middle of the night realising all the things I should be doing but during the day it is a different story. I feel like I am moving in slow motion all the time. All my good intentions from the night before are of no use to me when it really matters.

I really hope a day will come when I can take it all in my stride, where my world becomes 'normal' (not as it was before autism, but where I am so used to the way things now are that I don't remember life being any different). I hope a time comes when I can help someone going through what I am going through now and being able to say "It gets better, it's not so bad" and to really believe that!

At the moment, I know I am wallowing (and I really hate that but I figure I am entitled) however I really do appreciate it when people agree with me that "yes, this is really hard". I know others mean well when they say "Oh but you wouldn't even know Jasper has autism, if anyone can handle it you can...blah, blah, blah" and they may think they are helping, but they are not. It is just what people say to make it easier for themselves. I bumped into my maternal and child health nurse recently (have not really seen her since she initially suggested getting a second opinion) and she was unaware of the outcome. When I told her Jasper has Autism she looked genuinely sad and I could tell in her eyes that she knew exactly what that meant for me (and having a child with autism herself she knows better than anyone what that means). In that instant, I felt understood by another person who has travelled the road I am travelling now. She made me feel it was okay to think that the whole thing really sucks - because it does.

Jasper had his final speech therapy session with Tamara last week and I am so sad about that (she is moving). I really feel the speech therapy has helped enormously and I now feel like a part of my support structure has been kicked out from under me. Hopefully it won't be long before we can see someone else, and in the meantime I have enough to work with I suppose. I'm just wondering though, do I wait and see if/when Tamara is replaced or do I seek out someone else, if so, who? I don't know, I am a bit confused. Up to now I have just relied on being pointed in the right direction and having these wonderful people appear (Tamara, Andrea, Rachael, Ken etc).

I have to share this snippet from our day yesterday (it is from the 'give me strength' file)!! I suppose I can laugh about it now, but at the time......geez louise...give me strength. Maybe others can relate.

Jasper: What's that noise mum?
Kristen: It's the microwave
Jasper: What?
Kristen: It's the microwave
Jasper: What?
Kristen: It's the microwave
Jasper: What?
Kristen: It's the microwave
Jasper: What?

At this point I walk over to the microwave and point to it as I say 'Microwave making noise'

Jasper: It's the microwave mum, it's the microwave.....and off he walks!

It is just this constant stream of 'words' and conversations that don't make sense that really wears me down. It is great that he is talking more but it is non stop chatter and if I engage in the conversation it is a constant stream of 'what' that nearly drives me insane. That and the constant demand for attention to play with him or get something for him.

This morning he had a massive melt down - he asked for a bowl of custard and wanted to eat it while he was sitting on the loungeroom floor, when I took it over to him he started crying and waved me away, so I put the custard on his little table. He then cried louder wanting the custard so I took it back to him and again he waved me away and wouldn't take it. This happened a couple of times more before I set the custard on his little table and said 'The custard is on your little table when you want it" and then ignored him. He cried and screamed and eventually I picked him up and put him in his cot. After he calmed down I went in to him and got him out. Then the whole thing started again? I just don't get it sometimes and I don't think he does either. I wonder how much of it is just bad behaviour that I need to be firm on or if he just can't get across what it is he wants and it is purely frustration.

A short while later he wanted his dummy (which was in his cot). I was doing the dishes, Garth was eating breakfast and he was going from one to the other badgering us to go in and get his dummy. I kept saying "Mum is washing dishes, Dad is eating, Jasper get dummy". Eventually I agreed to walk to his bedroom door with him but made him get his dummy from the cot himself. His lack of patience or ability/desire to do things for himself is non existent, and yet at other times he wants to do it himself "Jasper do it, my turn" such as wiping up a spill. I can't work it out.

What I do know is that I have to set up a more structured existence at home, with more rigid routines and lots more photos/pictures to help him see what is coming next.

He has just wacked the wall with his shovel, better go and sort out the next drama!

Train.

I promised Jasper last night that we would be going for a train ride today, to Melbourne, to visit Brayden for the day. This morning he was only half awake when he yelled out 'train', so he obviously didn't forget!

He loves trains (and train tracks, train crossings and boom gates). He became very anxious while we were standing on the platform and the train pulled up (but I think this is because recently at the train station in Shepparton, whilst doing a bit of 'train spotting', a train tooted as it went past and Jasper nearly went through the roof - he startles very easily but he got a really big fright this time and has been a little wary of trains ever since). Once we were on the train though he was very excited!

A little way into the journey he stood at the window and saw a crossing with boom gates, so for the rest of the trip he whinged about seeing 'more boom gates'. When he wasn't whinging about that he was talking non stop (which for him is just repeating the same thing over and over again) - 'Going to Melbourne, see Brayden......going to Melbourne, see Brayden.....going to Melbourne.....see Brayden' - interspersed with - 'Where's the boom gates.......where's the boom gates' and 'green light (above the toilet door).....green light.....green light'. And on and on it went! I could feel the glare of other travellers on me, annoyed with having their peace disrupted.

As soon as we were off the train and had met up with Brayden his focus shifted to 'go on the tram......go on the tram.......go on the tram'. Once we were on the tram he became obsessed with wanting to put money in the ticket machine and wanted to hold on to the handles hanging from the roof (which necessitated me standing up, holding him, so he could reach). At that point I realised it was going to be a LONG day!

We had lunch at a really nice vegetarian place but Jasper fastened himself into his stroller and refused to eat! His eating (or lack of it) is a concern at the moment. He seems to exist on milk, custard, jelly and pasta. Although today he mostly ate rubbish and I am paying for it now (twisties, diet coke, lollies and an ice cream cone). I generally don't allow those sorts of things but relented somewhat today, in hopeful anticipation he would reciprocate with good behaviour.

We ended up coming home earlier than planned as Jasper became too difficult. He continued with this behaviour on the way home (escalating to head butting, slapping and squealing) before dropping off to sleep as we passed the Kangaroo Flat station (ie: 10 minutes from our stop).

Friday is usually not a great day anyway, after he has spent the previous two days at creche - he is very tired and cranky as a rule. I had my first two days back at work and I was tired and cranky too! Having said that we did manage to have two stress free mornings getting ready and off to work/school/creche (AND on time)!!! So that was a bonus - I used the photo of creche (must get one of my workplace) and school before we left home and he was fine! He did cry though, both days, as I left him, but then he does the same thing at home if I go out without him anyway. He reportedly had two great days at creche (and they were long days this week as opposed to the shorter ones he was having at creche while I was not at work).

His carer mentioned he spent a lot of time holding on to a car - not playing with it as intended but instead - spinning the wheels around and watching them spin. She also mentioned he tends to look at her out the corner of his eye. I have noticed him doing the same, not so much when he is looking at me, but I have watched him watching something (usually something that moves, such as the fan going around) from the corner of his eye. On a positive note he received a number of stickers for sitting on the toilet at nappy change time - and was very proud to show them off to me.

Jasper is very hyped up tonight and is getting into a bit of a frenzy, asking repeatedly for his 'basketball top'.....which he now fortunately has on.........and just bit Garth in frustration. Sigh. Time for him to go to bed I think - and I won't be far behind. I am mentally worn out from having listened to him all day. The repetition and the constant demands really wear me down.