Alone

"Fly with me, I can't quite make it alone"

(Learn To Fly - Foo Fighters)


Not a good day today (for many reasons, not all entirely related to Jasper)! We are home from our holiday (great), but unfortunately we arrived home to a house which has been 'violated' (but that is a whole other story I am not going to go into). As much as our home is Jaspers' sanctuary - where he feels safe and less anxious - it is my sanctuary too. Home feels like my shell, I can crawl into it and just be alone. I have no energy for people, for doing anything outside of home, for making small talk and pretending that everything is dandy. I just want to be home, in my pjs, preferably asleep....but I digress.

Jasper did not sleep well last night and was subsequently in our bed for much of it. The rare nights this occurs sees him being very hyper active and chatty (last night he was looking for rainbows) - I haven't quite worked out why this is happening. By 3am I was ready to strangle him and resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to get any sleep. I didn't like him very much at this point, but he redeemed himself a few hours later as he lay sleeping and I lay beside him, watching him....so beautiful and so normal.

I dread it when he wakes and my day begins - I can't do this alone and yet I don't want anyone around me. I spend all day counting the hours till I can sleep again, and Jasper can sleep again, and be perfect and normal.